“Maybe the journey isn’t so much about BECOMING anything. Maybe it’s about UN-BECOMING everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place”. -Paul Coelho
It has been quite some time since I have written. Like everyone else during this moment in time, I have been grappling with this pandemic. COVID-19 swooped in like a thief in the night and stole all sense normalcy. One day I was going through my daily routine and the next I found myself working from home and trying to home-school my children at the same time. My life was turned upside down in an instant. The change happened so fast that I did not have time to process all that was happening. For the first time in a long while, I felt completely lost. I had no words to explain what I was feeling. Even if I wanted to find the words, I could not find the time to properly process my thoughts and the emotions that came with it. As a university vice president, I found myself in daily multi-hour meetings trying to strategize with my colleagues on how we would lead the university through this crisis. I had students and families who were looking to me and my colleagues for answers. I had an entire staff team to support. I had children who depended on me. I tried to dig deep and search for meaning through all the chaos but I constantly came up empty.
Then the other day I came across the quote above and it finally hit me. What if this sudden shift in my daily reality was an opportunity for me to pause and take the time to “Un-become”. I reflected on the many ways that my “Becoming” had kept me from truly appreciating the little things in life. While I am a career woman who prides myself on always putting my family first, the reality was that there were many moments I missed, moments that I was too tired to notice, or moments that I was too busy to stop and appreciate. My work is demanding and consuming. Although working from home has not eliminated the level of demand, it has afforded me more time to be present with my family. At a time when social isolation is at its peak, I have come to wait with anticipation for unexpected hugs from my children. The long mindless conversations with my kids have become more intriguing and I have come to appreciate how truly remarkable they are. Folding laundry has given me pause to appreciate that my children will not always fit into these little clothes. My husband’s endless flirting and the way he does silly things to make me smile has made me feel loved in a way that I often took for granted over the course of our 20 plus years together. My quick showers have been replaced by long bubble baths at afternoon’s peak just when the west coast sun is leaving its lasting glow and peeking through my blinds.
The last month and a half has taught me to un-become overly concerned about the things in life that I cannot control. I have learned to un-become impatient with uncertainty and focus on what is right in front of me-tried and true. I have un-become hyper focused on the destination and more in love with the journey. I have become grateful for this period of un-becoming. When this is all said and done, my hope is to never go back to what was once my sense of “normal”. My hope is that I can continue this journey of un-becoming until I fully become who I was meant to be.