cru·ci·ble: a situation of severe trial, or in which different elements interact, leading to the creation of something new.
I remember the year I become a mother for the first time. It was one of the best times in my life. Unfortunately, in the midst of this incredible high, I experienced life-changing crucible. As with the other crucibles in my life, I can vividly remember where I was and how I felt in the moment. It was a cold November morning; I even remember what I was wearing. I had on a cozy gray turtleneck sweater to keep me warm during those cold New Jersey days. I was in my bedroom and preparing to go to work. It was like any other morning. Then my phone rings. It was a friend from back home. She just came out and said, “I am sorry to tell you this but [your best friend] was killed”.
Suddenly this cozy gray sweater became suffocating. I could not believe what I was hearing. I broke down in an unstoppable stream of tears. I was inaudible and in a dark, painful frenzy. She was my childhood friend. I met her in the first grade and we were inseparable ever since. I will never forget one of the last conversations we had before she died. She was talking about a fight she had with her boyfriend and how she thought she was ready to leave him. However, she said the reason she had not done so was because he told her he would kill her if she did. My immediate response was, “If he says he will kill you, you should believe him”. Who knew that those words would ever come to fruition?
For some time after her death I felt extremely guilty. How could it be that she was no longer here? All her dreams were cut short and I was still allowed to live mine. It just did not seem fair. She was always smarter and nicer than I was. She always looked with her heart and never judged anyone. She was so loving and caring. We had the same upbringing, went to the same private schools, and had the same dreams. In fact, her dreams were bigger than mine. And yet, she was gone and I was still here.
After her death, I suddenly felt the need for a change, both personally and professionally. I started to feel anxious in my current position and felt ready for my next professional step. While I had lived in New Jersey for just about my whole life, I suddenly felt the need expand my professional search beyond my childhood home. In hindsight, I realize that I was looking for a way to escape the memories of my best friend. Everything around me reminded me of her. While it was completely out of character for me to leave the comfort of NJ, there was also a part of me that was ready to take the risk. In my mind, my friend no longer had that option and I felt that I would be doing a disservice to her memory if I did not start living my life with that in mind.
A few months later I accepted a position at a college outside of New Jersey. I was so ready for a fresh start and a new challenge in my career. Within a few months my husband and I purchased our first home and started what we thought would be an exciting new phase in our lives. Unfortunately, it was during this time that I faced the next two crucibles in my life. The first crucible was one of my worst fears realized. My son was one year old at the time, was not quite walking yet and would often stand on his toes when pulling himself up. We were at the pediatrician one day when the doctor took a closer look at my son, maneuvered his legs a few times, and then said “I believe your son has Cerebral Palsy”. Once again I felt that familiar feeling of going numb. I had no idea what this meant. The doctor told my husband and me that our son may never be able to walk independently. There are no words to express how I felt in that moment.
The next few months were a series of physical and occupational therapy appointments. It felt as if no one else could understand what my husband and I were going through. To make matters worse, we just left most of our family in New Jersey. In my personal life, I found myself feeling overwhelmed and isolated. Adding to this crucible in my personal life was the crucible I was facing in my professional life. I soon found myself equally as isolated at work. It did not take long for me to realize that I joined an institution that was minimally diverse and very rarely recruited folks from the “outside”. I found that despite my vast knowledge base, enthusiasm, and desire to create meaningful change, I was constantly met with opposition. My decisions were constantly challenged and I soon realized that the folks around me were not really interested in fresh, new ideas. Additionally, it was covertly frowned upon if I needed to take time off to tend to my son’s special needs. It did not take long for the dismal energy around me to start draining my own energy. It became increasingly harder to get up and go to work each day. Then one morning, it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I made a mistake by moving here. I should not have uprooted my entire family to accept a position here, at least not without weighing all my options, and certainly not within one year of grieving the loss of my best friend. To make matters worse, my husband and I just bought this new home and we were expecting our second child. Adding to this stress was the fact that my son was preparing to have spinal surgery to help minimize the immobility caused by his Cerebral Palsy. The physical therapy he had been receiving was minimally effective and the area we lived in had few options for him. It felt like everything was happening all at once. Until one day I reached my limits.
I was in bed one night and found that my mind, breathing and heart rapidly racing. I felt so out of sorts but could not articulate to my concerned husband what was happening. Before I knew it, I was having a full blown panic attack. I had never experienced this before and when it was all done I remember feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. I had nothing left. I then recall having an overwhelming longing for my mother. I felt lost and needed some guidance. Do I just leave a job and a home that I had been in for less than two years? Do I take the risk and uproot my family again? My unhappiness was clearly affecting my health and the overall well-being of my family. It became undoubtedly evident that my personal and professional values simply were not in line with where I lived and worked. After the night of my panic attack, I made the decision that nothing was worth the health and happiness of me and my family. With my husband and now two children in tow, I packed up and moved to another state.
This time around, I was very intentional about my search and vowed not to settle. The intersection of my personal and professional crucibles was the catalyst for the change I needed. Those crucibles forced me to reconsider the internal expectations I placed on myself and the expectations that others placed on me. While I expected that my move from New Jersey would last longer than 1 ½ years, I had to release myself from those expectations. I also had to release myself from the expectations that my colleagues had of my as a working mom. My reality as a mother was that my child had special needs. My son needed me. While I valued my professional career I also had to honor my personal reality and be the best mother I could be. In the midst of my crucibles I was able to create something new-a new perspective on what mattered the most to me and a willingness to let go of the internal and external expectations that would have kept me from creating a new future from myself, personally and professionally.