A few days ago I was watching a program where a successful woman of color was telling her colleagues that she often feels like she has to diminish herself so that she does not intimidate others. As a highly successful woman, she found it challenging to allow herself to shine for fear that others would feel threatened by her. Admittedly, I have had moments like that. Deep down I am very well-aware of the power that I hold inside and feel rather confident in my abilities. At the same time, I used to worry that if I unleashed that power I would isolate myself from others. In those moments, I chose to shrink.
Over time I began to recognize when I was shrinking. I could literally feel myself shrinking on the inside when I would hold back something I wanted to say in a meeting. I felt myself shrink when I doubted myself and questioned if I was as knowledgeable as others in the room. I recently met with a former Vice President of IBM, a woman who fearlessly worked her way up the male-dominated corporate ladder. She told me that one of the most important lessons she learned along to the way to was to “speak up” even when she didn’t feel like the most experienced person in the room. She found that those who spoke up, and did so confidently, were more often respected and listened to. It was not about how much you knew or what you said-but rather how you said it. Her ability to resist shrinking and instead speak up and shine gained her respect and also affirmed what she already knew she was capable of.
The older I’ve got the more comfortable I have become with my ability to shine. It has taken time and lots of confidence-building. I have also learned the following lessons along the way:
Sometimes confidence-building needs to come from within. The reality is that we may not always get the affirmation we need from external sources. Therefore, we have to build the internal fortitude to build ourselves up when no one else does.
There is power in language. More importantly, our language is within our control. Language is not only what is expressed externally but also what is spoken internally. We get to decide what we tell ourselves about who we are and what we are capable of.
We will need reminders. While I have developed my capacity to resist shrinking over time, I still need reminders. Sometimes when I am not feeling my best or if I am in a very unfamiliar environment I need to remind myself not to shrink. I remind myself that I am in control of what I tell myself about the situation I am dealing with.
When you choose to shine, you are taking a risk. You may not always like what you say or you might feel like you did not say something the right way. Give yourself grace, celebrate your courage, and keep moving.
So my encouragement to you is that when you are faced with the choice to shrink or shine, choose to shine. The world needs your gifts, talents, and your voice. Don’t allow fear to make you shrink in those moments where you can be a powerful contribution. Choose to shine!