I have come to accept the fact that I am a very high achiever. I have this relentless desire to live my fullest life-not in an “adventure-seeking” way but in a “how can I live my life’s purpose” way. I believe that experiencing the untimely loss of two very important women in my life, my mother and my best friend, alerted me to the fragility of life. I am constantly reminded that I have one life to live and that this life is a never-promised gift. Therefore, I am always striving to live a purposeful life and evolve into a better version of myself. This means being a better human being and perpetually seeking balance spiritually, mentally, and physically. In doing so, my life has become a continuous journey of life-long learning but it has also meant that I cannot rid myself of this desire to be my best.
Certainly, being a high achiever has benefited me in many ways. It has allowed me to thrive professionally and personally. It has driven me to continuously challenge myself to do better and be better. And because my biggest competition is myself, I am constantly called to self-reflect and examine the source of my actions. However, there is a downside to being a high achiever. I am someone who is motivated by goals. I set a goal, I reach it, then I set the bar higher, reach that goal, and so on. But what happens when I am not able to reach the goal I set? This is where grace has been trying to find its place in my life and I have struggled to allow it in.
Here’s an example. I am a runner and often times I set a goal before each run. A few weeks ago, I got really sick with what felt like a really bad cold or the flu. Whatever it was, it had me out of commission for at least one week. I spent the entire week in bed frustrated that I was sick and that I had to surrender to this nasty illness. Even worse, I wasn’t able to run. Well, the moment I started to feel better I decided I waited long enough and desperately needed a good run. I typically average anywhere between 5-10 miles a run depending on how much time I have and how I am feeling. Well, this week I decided I was going to run at least 8 miles because I wanted to make up for lost time. It felt so good to feel my sneakers on my feet and the music in my ears as I started my long-awaited run. About 3 miles in, it hit me. My body was not ready. My chest was still tight from the cold I was just recovering from and as a result, it felt like I was breathing through a straw. My mind wanted me to keep going but my body was telling me to stop. But what about my goal? I am not a quitter…I simply can’t quit. What’s a few more miles? There in comes the power of language. Rather than labeling myself a quitter, why could I not simply honor the fact that I did my best? Why could I not simply give myself grace?
Yes, I always feel like I have to give my best. But my best does not always have to mean that I reached my goal. My best could mean that I gave it my all and did the best I could. This is the type of language shift I know I need to make. This is the language shift that I need to make when I plan on writing all day but have writer’s block, when I give a presentation and I miss a few points, when I give a speech and stumble through a few words, or when I have a day off from work and choose to be a couch potato instead of catching up on laundry. In those moments when I afford myself grace, I feel a deep sense of love for myself; a love that I can so easily give to others but often forget to give to myself. In those moments of grace, I feel more in touch with my humanity-a humanity that is flawed, imperfect and yet profoundly beautiful, resilient, capable, and enough. In those moments I am reminded that goals are great but grace is better.