When I started my first role as Vice President and Dean of Students I thought it would be interesting to journal over the course of my first year in the position. Today is October 21, 2019 and I just came across an entry that I wrote on August 6, 2018. At that point in time, about a year and a half ago, I was only less than one month into my new role. Here is an except from that entry:
“This morning I feel like I am in a foreign land. Did I make the right choice? I also feel so overwhelmed by this new sense of responsibility. Next week begins a new stretch of events that I can’t walk away from. Am I ready? There is no turning back once you get to this point. I feel so anxious and unsure. What if I don’t stand up to everyone’s expectations? ”
When I look back at that journal entry, so many thoughts come to mind. First, I was only less than one month into the role! Of course I would have had some fears and doubts. However, at the time, I could not give myself enough grace to realize that how I was feeling was completely normal. I mean, I had literally just relocated my entire family from one coast to another and started a new job within the course of one month. Sometimes the stories we tell ourselves lack context. Even though we know the context, we often create our narratives without it. When tell ourselves stories without context, we do ourselves a disservice and forfeit the opportunity to afford ourselves grace.
The other thing that strikes me in reading that entry is my questioning of if I was actually ready for this role. In reality, I was ready! But in the moment I lost sight of the journey, the work, and the process that landed me this new role. I was more than capable. I was enough. After a few months on the job and conquering many challenges, I had no doubt that I was made for this role. In fact, I would sometimes question why I waited so long to pursue a role like this. I would have never known what I was truly capable of if I had not trusted myself enough to accept this position.
Now as I look back at my entry, I feel like a completely different person. I don’t have the same doubts or fears that I had over a year ago…at least not to the same degree I felt back then. The truth is that those fears and doubts never fully go away. The difference is that underneath those fears and doubts is true level of self-assurance and the confidence in knowing that “this too shall pass.”