When I think back to when I was writing my dissertation, I have many memories of challenges and breakdowns. I recall one night particularly. I was scheduled to FaceTime my advisor so that she could provide me with feedback on my most recent draft. My advisor was never one to allow me to sell myself short. That meant that she would constantly challenge and push me to do and be better. Although I was prepared to receive some tough feedback, for some reason I was completely defensive and I shut down half way through the conversation. Perhaps it was because I felt that I had really done a great job with this draft. I remember ending the conversation with a complete unwillingness to receive any of the feedback she was giving me. However, since my scholarly work was about ontological leadership, I knew that I had to examine what was showing up for me during that call with my advisor. Why was I being so defensive? Why was I shutting down? After taking some time do some deep self-reflection, I wrote her the following letter later that night:  

 I wanted to thank you for our conversation today. It really made me do some deep thinking. I cried a lot afterwards but I needed to. I realized that along the way I started getting in my own way again. Everything that I was fighting through my whole life was showing up in our conversation. It was the "I'm not good enough" or "no one is going to listen to me". I became afraid of my power again. I also went into destination mode and lost sight of the journey.  This leadership thing is scary. It is about being committed to something greater than myself. So this is more than just about a dissertation. I also realize that my need for predictability crept back up and I started losing my trust in the process, in the journey. I forgot about that feeling I had when I first met you and we talked about this leadership course. It was that feeling like I was falling off a cliff and feeling so scared yet so alive and invigorated. I allowed fear to set in and old habits to take over. When I dug deep tonight I realized that it was not the fear of constructive feedback or the fear of someone saying no or the fear of being wrong.  It was the meaning I placed on those things. The meaning that "I am not good enough" is what really brought me to tears. That was the root of it all. That was the fear that I allowed to run me.  I realize that this is not the making of a leader. I can hear the course instructors telling us that this is not an easy journey. You either choose to be a leader or you don't. I am declaring that I choose to be a leader despite how hard it will be. I am choosing to stop diminishing the power I know I have. I know this is a mountain with no top but I am ready to climb again. I will have breakdowns along the way, need to get re-energized, will get demotivated because I don't see the peak of the mountain, I will get tired but I will keep climbing. Thank you for helping me discover this for myself tonight.  

Often times, the way we react in a situation is directly correlated with how we perceive the situation and the meaning we place on what is happening. The perception and meaning that we generate in those moments are directly tied to our unexamined feelings and assumptions about ourselves, others and the world. This is why self-reflection is so important. Without deep self-examination those feelings and assumptions end up running our lives and showing up without us even realizing it. So the next time you find yourself becoming overly defensive or shutting down, ask yourself ‘what have I left unexamined?”